I wish that I was sleeping...

One of the many things that I deal with being bipolar is insomnia. And trust me when I say you can really lose your mind quite quickly if you aren't getting any sleep! I started trying to go to sleep just after midnite...it is now 4:37 am and I am still wide awake! I've been having really bad indigestion after I take my meds and I'm going through TUMS like crazy.

We started a new contest/challenge thing on ScrapCentral and I think it's going to be alot of fun. I started working on one LO and you can't use any patterned paper....I didn't realize that I have become so dependant on patterned paper...actually I'm reaching the point where I need to infuse my papers with a variety of fun and new designs & colors. I'm hoping to make it to the LSS sometime this week, but I need to wait and see what my financial situation is.

No pics to upload today since my batteries are recharging right now...I really need to buy another set, so I can always have a set charged! But hopefully I'll get some fun & great shots this week.

Not such a bad weekend

after all. It didn't start out so great though. Mercedes was sick on Thursday so she stayed home from school. Late afternoon Brad shows up and asked if he could see Mercedes, and she of course wanted to see her Dad. I told him that his focus was Mercedes and when I said it was time to go, then he had to leave. He agreed to my conditions. After supper, I just started feeling exhausted and just unwell and Brad tells me that he would be glad to sleep on the couch and then take Mercedes to school in the morning. I agreed (big mistake!). Well my mom came over and saw Brad here and she asked me what he was doing here, and I said he was going to take Mercedes to school in the morning...I got the look! A look that my mother hasn't given me since I was in high school...and without one word she just turned around and went back home. But I knew she was mad. During the evening my cousin and my best friend both called me and I didn't get a great visit cause Brad was listening to everything I said. Anyways, he was shocked that I said I saw lawyers in our future. And he couldn't believe that I'd tell someone else before him!! Hello!!! We're not living together, I've said "I don't want to be married to you" and yet he seems surprised that divorce is on my mind. Skip to Friday morning. Mercedes still wasn't feeling well so Brad just laid with her watching cartoons and I was in the other room. In comes my mom. My mom is a little quiet, hates confrontation, sees the best in everyone and I've never seen her lose her temper. But when she came in my house that morning I knew something was up. First she talked to me and said that Brad is not allowed to be here. This house is for her daughter and my daughter to have a safe place to live. She told me that she knows this is hard, and it's even harder on me because of the depression, but she would do whatever she could to help us. Then she went to talk to Brad. I don't know exactly what she said but apparently is was like a Mama Bear protecting her cubs. I was just amazed at her and so very thankful that I had her help. Staying away from Brad can be really hard for me sometimes, so it feels much better knowing my mom's right there behond me. And then today my bff from grade 4 came out to spend the day with me, and because of the blizzard we are having she's staying the night. It's great to spend time with her...we can talk about anything, and we both know each other better than anyone else. Sorry for the novel, but I just think that I was able to make that first baby step and I am so grateful for my friends and family.

Here's my daily photo for today...This picture was taken at 1:30 am on my front porch.

Shortbread at Midnight

I just found another reason that it's fun to have the house to yourself....you can make some yummy shortbread cookies...and then try not to eat all of them tonight! lol

So I'm a little behind in blogging and my daily pics, so I'm trying to get 2 birds with one stone by using the pics to shown what's been up.

Here's some pictures in no particular order that have something to do with my last couple weeks.


These are some of the boxes that are filled with Brad's stuff and that I'm hoping will be out of my house soon!!
This is my version of the clip it up! lol I just need some more binder clips and then I can put everything up there! It's actually pretty good cause I can look at my stuff even if I'm just sitting on the couch watching tv!

These are 2 pictures that my mom has made for me and they hang above my piano

I've been having a hard time with depression the last few weeks, so I make a conscious effort to remain hopeful even when it seems to be in short supply.

The one thing that I've been able to do is make cards. It's so nice to be accomplishing something, but the projects are small enough that they don't seem overwhelming.

One of the cards I made today.
This is a close up of my space heater...we had a few days of -20 so I got alot of use outta this baby!

This is the sewing machine that I use ... it is also the exact machine that my dad bought for my mom when they first got married.

Our fridge seems to mimic life a little I think...constantly changing, except when it stays the same.

Our tv that decided to just up and quit working right in the middle of a show I was watching...it's never worked since!

This is the grandfather clock that my mom made for my dad. It is the clock that stopped on the day that he died. I need to get some new parts for it, but I just love having it in my home.

I'll be back soon...

I hope. I haven't forgotten about my daily pics or keeping up my blog. Just been really occupied fighting the depression monster and it's best friend anxiety. The dr. upped some of my meds, but I think that could be contributing to the anxiety, but it's hard to know for sure. I should know more next week when I see my doc again, but for now, I'm just hoping that tomorrow will be better.

January 4th and 5th pics

January 5th pic...a close up of my paint drawer...I love all the colors and paint is one of my favorite scrapping supply!

January 4th pic...this is just a quick snap of Mercedes pile of Webkinz...I would have taken another pic, but my batteries died.

January 3 picture of the day

This is a picture of my grandmother's journal started in Oct 1977. My mom has hired me to type out all the many journals and writings of my Grandma. It's a weird feeling reading about the daily happenings and feelings of my Grandma...it's almost like I'm being snoopy or something, but I know my grandma would be happy to know that the things she left behind are being treasured by her posterity. I thought it would be cool to take the picture by candle light...for me it evokes the sacred & secret things that are between the pages of this book.

Stress

I've come to the conclusion that stress really inhibits my creativity. Brad stopped by and was all mad cause I told his parents that he's not living here...something I had told them a month ago but apparently had forgotten. Anyways we got in an arguement & I was glad to see him leave. But now I feel all stressed and can't think of something to work on. And I'm trying to take advantage of tonight because Mercedes is staying over night at my sister's. I do have some cards that I should finish and maybe I'll do another page in my clear album. I'll post pics later if I actually accomplish something. Plus I took my pic for today and should post that as well.

A few pics, a couple ideas and a dose of don't over do it!

So today I came across this blog http://photojojo.com/ and one of the challenges was to take at least 1 pic a day for a whole year. I think this will be my focus this year. I've had my camera for almost 2 years already and still don't know anything about the manual settings. So I'm hoping that by taking at least one photo a day, by the end of the year it'll be interesting to see if my skills have improved. Anyhoo, here's a couple pics that I shot today.



This is my pic for January 2 - I just couldn't get over how cute these little Webkinz look in their clothes...plus it kept Mercedes occupied for hours! lol

Here it is...the first sneak peek at my clear album. I have a few pages done, but my photos sucked so I'll try taking some more again tomorrow. :)

This pic was taken by Mercedes today...all by herself...gotta love those Webkinz! She kept rearranging them and changing their clothes, trying to get the perfect pic. I think she did pretty good considering that she used my camera and it's quite heavy for her to hold still.

2008

Wow, 2008...Happy New Year's everyone! I still haven't recovered from all the Christmas visiting and my house looks like a bomb hit it, but slowly and surely things are starting to get back to normal...whatever that is! lol

I bought myself an 8x8 clear album when we were in Edmonton and I've been working on that for the last couple days. I was going to post some pics but my camera batteries have to recharge first. I'm having alot of fun with this album. It's definately a challenge and really makes me think creatively and I absolutely love it! When things start to stagnate or I need to just walk away from the clear album, I've been making lots of cards. Doing something creative is such an important part of my life...it literally keeps me sane. I went 7 whole days over the Christmas break away from my scrapping supplies and I was just dying to get home and make something! lol

Hopefully I'll have some pics to post tomorrow. :)

There's no place like home

After spending the last week in Edmonton at my in-laws I am sooooo glad to be back in my own house! Christmas was nice, Mercedes got spoiled like usual. But the very best part for me was getting to spend some time with Jessilyn. Last night we went out to supper at Applebee's and then we went and wandered the mall for an hour or so. Mercedes was just mesmerized with Jessi and it did my heart alot of good to see my two girls together. Jessi was so sweet and bought these bracelets that said sisters...she gave one to Mercedes and she wore the other one. I just enjoyed seeing them interact to together and those 3 hours together just flew by. All and all it was a fun and very busy week...always so many people to visit & I'm looking forward to doing nothing except sleeping and scrapbooking over the next couple days. And I'll probably spend alot of time staring at the pics of my beautiful daughters. :

The Calendar & some cards

Card set & little silk bag my mom made for me to use as packaging.


After many hours of hard work I am finally finished the calendar that I made my mom for Christmas. It has everyone's birthday's marked and the layouts all contain pictures of her grandchildren & family. It's been one of those projects that I flowed fairly easily and turned out better than I had expected. :)

Front cover


January Layout


February Layout


March Layout


April Layout


May Layout


June Layout


July Layout


August Layout


September Layout


October Layout


November Layout


December Layout & Calendar page

Busy week...

This has been just a crazy busy week. Today is the first day that I don't an appointment of some kind. Which is a good thing cause I have to finish up a couple gifts, wrap everything and start packing to leave Saturday morning. Tomorrow afternoon Brad and I are going into Lethbridge to finish up our shopping for Mercedes and then we're hoping to get the car all loaded tomorrow night so we can just get up and leave in the morning. MIL is having Christmas dinner at 6pm that night, so we can't be late. I'm still waiting to hear back from Jessi, but I am really, really hoping that I get to see her.

As for now I'm about to finish my mom's calendar and then straight to the wrapping. I'll try to post some pics later. :)

cards, cards, cards

Today I sold 53 cards, which meant I spend the last few hours making 16 Christmas cards for my mom! I also made 13 girl bday cards for some 14 & 15 year olds. And then my sister bought 10 to give to one of her friends for Christmas. Luckily I had about 60 cards on hand, but I was planning on using some of those as gifts myself! lol

We just found out today that my grandma is coming to see us tomorrow. I'm so excited cause I haven't seen her for about a year and she is the best grandma ever! I made up a set of 15 cards for her and then my mom made me this cute little silky bag to put them in, so I had to get that all ready tonight too.

I didn't get anything done on my calendar today, but at least I've made it too December. I really need to get my butt in gear since we are supposed to be leaving first thing Saturday morning to go to Edmonton. I at least have most of the shopping done, but there's still wrapping, laundry, packing, etc., etc. and with Brad not living here I have alot less help then usual. Plus there was something up with him tonight....not sure what it was yet, but I will be keeping my senses on high alert.

I'll upload so pics tomorrow of all my cards & such. :)

talk about a long day...

I was up at 7 this morning and off to Lethbridge to apply for Income Support. To make a long story short, I got my number before 9pm and finally talked to someone at 11:30am. Then she told me that I would have to come back again on Thursday, and I proceeded to have a small breakdown right there at her desk. Totally mortified on my part. After pulling my file she got her supervisor and they were able to help me today, but I didn't get out of that building until 4pm. But at least I have some money now to buy groceries and pay the power bill.

Mercedes stayed at Sonda's tonight again, cause I was just a mess after Lethbridge so I knew I needed some time alone. I see Chris tomorrow and we'll see what kind of wisdom he may shine on the situation. After that I need to finish my Christmas shopping. I'm starting to really look forward to this holiday season being over.

All for now.
T

I'm Back.....

Decided tonight that keeping up my blog is my new priority. Some days may be nothing more than 5 things I'm thankful for, or just some pictures of things I've been working on or have interested me. Some days will have long entries as I use this forum as a way to try to work out all the many things constantly racing around my brain. Other days may have only one or two words describing how I'm feeling...on those days one or two words is all that my brain can handle. Some times I will have good things to write about, and some times I will have to write about some not so good things. This is life though and I think it needs to be recorded, if for no other reason than to help me figure myself out and encourage me to continue to look at the big picture and strive to keep doing better. From the mundane such as tracking med changes to the excitement of a completing a special project. My goal is to make at least one entry a day...no matter how small or how large.

So first things first...here's a picture of me taken after all my dental work & summer makeover.

Lately I've been swamped getting Christmas gifts made, card orders to fill, keeping up with Mercedes, and my volunteer work at the school helping the grade ones scrapbook. After I finish my Christmas gifts, the next big project is an album for my grandma. I'm getting excited to start working on it.

On the personal front Brad and I are seperated again, but things have been amicable, so hopefully we can keep things that way. Mercedes is with me and she is doing great in school. Only 1 more week before her Christmas holidays. That's all for now...see ya tomorrow. :)

So it's been awhile...

This summer has turned out to be quite a difficult one for me. I managed to quit smoking for only 13 days and then I started again. I had 10 teeth pulled and they all got dry sockets, and then I got an infection requiring IV antibiotics. It was right around then that I started smoking again...I was just in so much pain that I couldn't deal with the cravings on top of everything. It's now been just a little over a month since I had all the teeth pulled and I am still on a fairly restrictive diet since I can chew much or eat anything that requires I bite it off with my front teeth...I had discovered that it is possible to eat a sandwich with a knife & fork! lol

There has been some really good news for me this summer, but it has also been a bit of a double edged sword. After 6 years of no direct contact my older daughter & I are now in contact on Facebook. You can only imagine my joy at being able to look at 100's of pics of her. Usually I only get to see the stilted, half-posed pics that my mom takes when she sees them at Christmas. My son still won't have any contact with me, but I'm hoping that will change at some point. And now my dd and I are sending each other messages every day or two. She is such an amazing girl and I am so glad that we are in contact, but it has opened a pandora's box of emotions that I have spent years trying NOT to open. Getting to know her and talking to her makes it that much harder that I'm not in her daily life. Along with the intense sadness, I also have so much guilt and anger to deal with. So needless to say this has not only made me very happy, but also very depressed. And I had kinda forgotten how bad depression feels because I had had a great 6 months before this. But now here I am back to crying everyday, sleeping for at least 12 hours at a time, not scrapbooking and barely eating.

Luckily I have lots of family that help out with Mercedes and hopefully this hasn't really affected her summer. She spent 2 weeks in Edmonton with her grandparents, and right now she is in BC with my sister's family camping. I'm just getting a little stressed about being able to get her up & to school on time at 8:30 when I normally can't drag my butt outta bed until 11! On the plus side I have lost about 15 lbs in the last 6 weeks.

Setting some goals...

Here are a couple pics of the altered board book I made. I'm very glad that it is done! lol I don't think I'll be volunteering to do that again anytime soon! lol

Now I'm trying to finish the LO I'm making using my last post as journaling. Hopefully I'll have it finished today. So here's the big news...I've decided that the time has come to quit smoking. My quit date is June 24/07. I am telling as many people as I can...the more people that know the less chance I have of not succeeding. And I will be getting a whole new look this summer.

Shoes...

This was the scene inside my mom's front door today. Shoes, shoes & more shoes. Dan & Shi were there with their 7 kids, and Sonda & Randy were there with their 6 kids, and then Mercedes & I were there...alot of people, alot of noise, alot of shoes!

I first noticed the shoes as I was running out the door to get something from my house. I noticed them enough that this was the first picture I took when I got back to my mom's house. As I was taking the picture I thought how this pile of shoes was so indicative of our family right now. A little jumbled up, a little messy, a little all over, but alot all together!

Wasn't it just the other day that the front entry was filled with car seats & diaper bags? When did all these kids go from toddlers to teenagers? When did we stop changing diapers & start helping with hair & makeup? How is it that my nieces are more interested in the cute boys rather than the playground? Instead of checking on the kids playing outside we are checking out the boys that have come to pick up these girls...these girls that were babies just yesterday.

We have no more babies now. No diapers, no bottles, no sleepers. Our youngest kids will be starting kindergarten within the next year or two & the oldest will be graduating high school in a year or two. I'm amazed at how fast the time has gone and I stop for a moment to just look around and try to remember exactly how we look right now. This is our family. These are our shoes.

A good day...

I got an email today from Canadian Scrapbooker magazine requesting a LO for the Fall issue! Woohoo!! I had made the layout for Sonda...it's pictures from Sawyer's first day of School...so I had to go borrow it to send off for photographs. She didn't want to give it to me, since the first time I was published the magazine lost the layout...I'm still dealing with that one! I finally convinced Sonda that the LO will be safe...worst case scenerio I can make her another one! I also finally finished the altered board book I've been working on. I am so glad to have that off my desk!! I need to do something for myself now...I have a few pictures printed, but nothing that is really screaming "scrap me"...and my ink is just about out so I'm trying to be really stingy...so I'll either have to work with the pics I have or try to get a challenge accomplished from http://www.scrapcentral.ca.

Today Mercedes made me just laugh (again)...she was over at my mom's house and I called her to tell her I was running to the grocery store. She asked me to get her a surprise. I said "no". She said "please". I said, sarcastically, "ok, I'll get you some broccoli"...she said "YAY!!! Thanks Mom!" I don't know of many kids that get excited about broccoli!! lol Then later she had a friend over to play and she asked me if she could have some broccoli...I said yes. So in a very excited voice she asked her friend "hey, Jewell...want some broccoli?" Jewell looked at Mercedes like she had lost her mind and shook her head vehemently. Mercedes just shrugged her shoulders and said "ok, but I'm having some!!" And she then proceeded to have 2 big helpings of steamed broccoli. I just had to laugh though cause I have never seen a child so excited by a vegetable! lol

May long weekend...

Well here we are...middle of May already...boy, does time fly! I haven't been doing much lately as I've been struggling with one health issue after another! The latest thing is an abcessed tooth that made the whole right side of my face swell. I went to the dr. and got some antibiotics and I have an appointment with the dentist on Wednesday. I'm trying to decide if the time has come to just have all my teeth pulled. Logically, I don't think it's that hard of a decision, but the idea of not having any of my own teeth before I turn 40 is just freaking me out!! Plus this is a major decision...can't change my mind after it's done...guess I'll wait and see what the dentist recommends.

I haven't been able to do much scrappin lately, although I did make a couple cards for Dan & Burns 40th birthday and I've been working on an altered board book for a girl that is getting married next week. I'm really looking forward to finishing it so that I can maybe work on something for myself soon!! Seems like everything I've done lately is for other people, so I'm anxious to get a couple Lo's done for my own scrapbook. Here's hoping I get the book finished today. I'll post pics as soon as it's done. :)