So it's been awhile...

This summer has turned out to be quite a difficult one for me. I managed to quit smoking for only 13 days and then I started again. I had 10 teeth pulled and they all got dry sockets, and then I got an infection requiring IV antibiotics. It was right around then that I started smoking again...I was just in so much pain that I couldn't deal with the cravings on top of everything. It's now been just a little over a month since I had all the teeth pulled and I am still on a fairly restrictive diet since I can chew much or eat anything that requires I bite it off with my front teeth...I had discovered that it is possible to eat a sandwich with a knife & fork! lol

There has been some really good news for me this summer, but it has also been a bit of a double edged sword. After 6 years of no direct contact my older daughter & I are now in contact on Facebook. You can only imagine my joy at being able to look at 100's of pics of her. Usually I only get to see the stilted, half-posed pics that my mom takes when she sees them at Christmas. My son still won't have any contact with me, but I'm hoping that will change at some point. And now my dd and I are sending each other messages every day or two. She is such an amazing girl and I am so glad that we are in contact, but it has opened a pandora's box of emotions that I have spent years trying NOT to open. Getting to know her and talking to her makes it that much harder that I'm not in her daily life. Along with the intense sadness, I also have so much guilt and anger to deal with. So needless to say this has not only made me very happy, but also very depressed. And I had kinda forgotten how bad depression feels because I had had a great 6 months before this. But now here I am back to crying everyday, sleeping for at least 12 hours at a time, not scrapbooking and barely eating.

Luckily I have lots of family that help out with Mercedes and hopefully this hasn't really affected her summer. She spent 2 weeks in Edmonton with her grandparents, and right now she is in BC with my sister's family camping. I'm just getting a little stressed about being able to get her up & to school on time at 8:30 when I normally can't drag my butt outta bed until 11! On the plus side I have lost about 15 lbs in the last 6 weeks.